2024-Sep-19 (木)
OKAY NOT DEPRESSED ANY MORE but I did stay up past midnight when I
needed to go to bed at nine.
⍼
2024-Sep-18 (水)
Ahem,
What a funk. It feels like a day, but I can scroll down and see it was
closer to ten. I felt seen, today. It feels strange to be linking to something
as ephemeral as social media on a bliog about how badly I've been personally
affected by linkrot, but:
https://bsky.app/profile/twist.dog/post/3l43pakhx7x2l
Minus that instead of art, I sort of appear and try to do a little bit
of good (or bad as performance art!) before ceasing to exist, again. It did make
me open my dusty old copy of Flash for the first time in eons and get started on
a little animation to harass my friends with fursonae. That used to be my modus~
I got some cool new gryphon art to hang up. Need to get new frames
because they aren't even close to the sizes the site said they were (they're
bigger, dohoho~) but they're individually numbered, so they must be preserved..!
Full moon, too.
I'm sure more happened, but I don't want to look at my proper diary just
yet. Too sleepy.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might,
gryphtonite
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2024-Sep-17 (火)
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2024-Sep-16 (月)
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2024-Sep-15 (日)
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2024-Sep-14 (土)
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2024-Sep-13 (金)
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2024-Sep-12 (木)
I have almost mentally recovered.
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2024-Sep-11 (水)
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2024-Sep-10 (火)
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2024-Sep-09 (月)
å.
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2024-Sep-08 (日)
Happy birthday Richard the Lionheart, the guy from Grateful Dead,
Dvorak, and Star Trek.
COINCIDENCE????
⍼
2024-Sep-07 (土)
Reconnected with a long lost friend on Tapestries——it's two in the
morning, tomorrow, and I generally wake up at six, hee. Very sleepy so I'll keep
it short again, but very excited for gryphon/furry stuff in the near future. I'm
back, bay-bee!
Also went to the beach today and saw the world's cutest seal plush. Did
not get it but it was still important news.
⍼
2024-Sep-06 (金)
Game night, a-drinka-drinka.
⍼
2024-Sep-05 (木)
Whoops, I discovered No Man's Sky today and accomplished nothing else.
⍼
2024-Sep-04 (水)
Stayed up very late, whoops.
I applied on an old MUCK last week. Its one wizard has been online, but
idle for over a month. We'll see how long that character takes to get made~
Finally got No Man's Sky today and intended to only play a little bit,
but you can have a beak, so one thing lead to another...
I am at least telling more of my Internet friends that I'm back.
Griffin,
on a seeeeeea of forgotten teardrops
⍼
2024-Sep-03 (月)
An artist who I check up on every once in a while finished a game
earlier this year that pushes the same buttons Jasper Vice does (including the
almost non-stop groaning at minor non-issues, hee). It's supremely cute and
offers a lot more to do, while still being an afternoon-burner and not a week-
-burner. "STARSHIFTER".
The flying gets satisfying after a bit, which is all I wanted out of it!
I did almost entirely nothing else, today. Not that I shifted stars all
day——I just did very little of anything. Talked to my ...whatever you call it.
The person a proteeue™®...huh, I can type special symbols, but my accent
modifiers don't work, using the Mac-style input in Vi.
...AHEM, the person a protege is proteged to. I am the protege in thi—
Man, I hate not having accents.
—this. THAT PERSON, of roleplay! Talked to her all day, amped up to keep
being creative despite my recent woes, instead of burying myself alive for six
months like I generally have for the last thirty years when this sort of thing
would happen.
Language is a playground and I am the schoolyard bully, re-reading that.
I like it, though. Very messy.
Paws, claws, beaks, and wings——
But every night all the men would come around
to pet our fluffy down.
⍼
2024-Sep-02 (月)
Fucked that up, whoops.
Well, my return to the MUSH. I gryphed it up elsewhere to great success.
Maybe it's time I stopped trying to be the one talking animal in humansville and
started hanging out with furries, where I belong. I really did have a good time.
In fact, the first person I met was someone who I recognized from searching
FurAffinity FOR Shang players, hah. Small world! Kismet, even.
Sometimes life is pretty neato, I suppose.
Let's see if I convince myself to log back into Shang by the end of the
week. It wouldn't kill me to just let the character get deleted. Yeah, it's a
way better program for playing roles, but being in two places at once is stress-
ful. Maybe I can convince White to add... real spoof, newlines, tabs, and
Unicode.
When gryphons fly.
I forgot emotions can make your chest hurt. The person from Friday
doesn't think they did anything wrong and said sorry my feelings are hurt.
What everrrrrrrr my dad works at Nintendo.
⍼
2024-Sep-01 (日)
A much better day, today. I still haven't logged back into the MUSH, but
it was likely a better day because of that. Stayed nice and distracted, and I
think I've healed enough already to at least be aware that I don't need to hide,
this time.
Went to an alien... expo? Not convention, certainly. It's just a Chamber
of Commerce thing a few cities away, but the whole town is in on it. Plastic UFO
decorations and big inflatable aliens everywhere from the gas station pumps to
the 'epicentre' itself. I had a good time with Roommate, grabbed some alien swag
and a few picture frames for some art I've been meaning to put up. Look at me,
I'm undepressed enough to hang my art. I wore a griffin hat the whole time, too!
...Right outside a Masonic lodge, I realized. Someone asked if I was with them
and pointed at my hat. Realize now the little feet on it are not very prominent,
it just looks like an eagle. ...Cartoon parody Masons? I think that's just the
Internet.
In less cool news I got Grapes of Wrath in Neopets, making this the most
powerful I've ever been in the Battle Dome again. There seriously aren't any
upgrades to my build without hundreds of millions of——then again, I only play
single-player. I wonder if two Wands of the Dark Faerie would be an upgrade...
Come on, griffout,
Come on, griffin,
You'll not read nothing like Bonnie Quinn
⍼
2024-Aug-31 (土)
I guess one difference between the sensitive weenie I am now and the
sensitive weenie I was twenty years ago is I have friends who do understand,
now, and I'm only hiding out of habit instead of necessity. They made me feel
a lot better, sure, but also made me realize this doesn't need to break me. I
can still be creative. I don't have to take my gifts, however modest, away from
the world because I got clingy.
Meow
⍼
2024-Aug-30 (金)
I almost came back yesterday and added to that journal. The person sent
me a message right after I saved it. They actually said they were going to make
sure nothing stopped us from spending the whole day together.
I really am the stupidest, most gullible, most sensitive whiny baby on
the entire Internet.
At this point I've been waiting for this for four days. I made certain
to be here over an hour early——I was two hours early. Nobody had ever set a TIME
for me, before. I was never worth making sure there were no distractions.
I'm still not, it turns out.
Ten minutes after the time——after we'd spoken a little, and I waited—
—I ask how things are going. They say it's fine. Better than fine! They were
intending to play with one other person, but were playing with two, instead.
People who had been away for a long time. People with bad memories of this MU.
Wanted to make sure they had a good story, a good return, introduce them to
other friends so this stay is much better than the last.
This is not completely uncalled for. I did say I didn't mind giving up
one of the two days we'd set aside, as long as I had one. This was with the
same person (who did nothing wrong, and has no idea I exist. Unfortunately, I
was told their username).
Of course, I just said congratulations because I am a dumb asshole.
Two hours later, I'm getting ready to go to bed (it is five in the
afternoon) but I get a message saying the person I wanted to play with was
trying to end one thing so they can be with me as promised. The rest of that
message, though, makes it sound like it'll be with a lot of distractions,
including moonlighting with the other player. I left to eat, sent a message an
hour after, and get a message that the two people are taking longer than
expected and the scene is still going.
This person made me feel so intelligent and special when we first met,
and now we can't do what I've been sitting around waiting to do, scheduled by
you for three hours ago, because someone else is taking too long? You couldn't
tell them you made plans? That I scheduled my whole day around having no
distractions because you said that's how you liked to play?
As soon as I start to tilt the cards I'm holding up to my chest, they
ask if it was because they were overwhelmed and didn't make it right with me.
It felt like all the things you said about me when we first met were
true. You were such a beautiful person that I waited four days to see my
reflection in your eyes and pretend there's something good about me, as well.
I felt special——now I'm so unbelievably lonely, because I can't even talk to
anybody about this pain. "Yes, I'm fast approaching forty and someone on the
Internet didn't play with me."
They know something's wrong. The right thing to do would be to disappear
without saying a word. Let them keep building up these other people on the MU
without feeling discouraged. Maybe next time, when I come back in a few years,
someone will blow off their stupid animal friend to make my MU experience good,
too. I'M a returning player, dammit..!
I wish I wasn't so selfish and discouraging. No wonder I keep throwing
my masks away. On the tiny chance anyone reads this, I've been talking about a
good person. This story is so one-sided it's borderline dishonest, but even
without every detail it's a long story. Who cares)
See, she is the beak of the week,
The way cat body speakin' to me, now everybirdy.
⍼
2024-Aug-29 (木)
It did not go well. I was worried I was building it up in my head too
much and whatever we wrote couldn't possibly live up to my expectations, but at
least that would've been better than what happened. I thought all the «it's okay
if it doesn't work out with our schedule» yesterday was for my benefit, since
they were in the middle of making a big deal out of always fulfilling promises
and waiting for someone who was late to show up for their scheduled scene. It
did not occur to me that it was just sandbagging.
I guess it wasn't. I was early and they did not get on for quite a good
while after. We started talking and... talking. They met someone last night, and
got very excited about that story. Made plans with me to continue that story. I
offered to give up my scheduled time tomorrow so that could happen. I have been
invited to take part in the start of their scene.
I wouldn't mind being E-cucked, but my time was never acknowledged. No
apology, sure, but not even a mention that it was supposed to happen. I was over
an hour earl——well, I guess this shines a light on the real problem with this
situation: I am being a real wiener about this whole thing. And, yes, it hurt
my feelings, but I am so disappointed in myself for not being an adult about it.
Writing on an anonymous Internet blog, instead. If a single person who knows any
of the identities I've held and dropped over the last twenty years reads even
one paragraph of this bliog, they'd know who I was in an instant. Good thing I
don't put humiliating personal gripes in here.
Made the new character on the other MU* I play. I've just introduced
myself as me to a handful of people I knew as recent burner names——and even
reconnected with some people I've missed for years. Sort of. I've put out
feeler pages. People in places like this, people like me——sometimes we're not
always right where you left us. Sometimes the people who loved disappear for a
few years, and when they come back, you honest-to-god don't remember them. I've
had someone recently. I remember his name. I have his birthday reminder on my
computer. Who is he? What did we do together? Which mask does he think is me?
I even drank some rum an hour before our scheduled time (this was over
seven hours ago, now). I hate drinking, but I was a little inebriated when we
met (I was passed some cans from a vegan friend when they realized there was
milk in the drink, only after opening one). Wanted to recreate that magic.
Still, if I can go another couple of hours without being a complete
bitch, I can at least still be friends with this person. Everything else I've
said is still true, even if it'll be a while before this pain wears off and I
feel comfortable being creative and writing around them. Especially something as
personal as my weird characters. I'm going to the intro scene for their new
friend, tomorrow, and I'll do my best to make them both feel welcome and valued.
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling «yoo-hoo!»
Come on, it's lovely weather for a light gryphon feather くすぐる
⍼
2024-Aug-28 (水
It was Jasper Vice! Jasper Vice: Legends Untold. It feels like the
tutorial for itself, and I suppose it is. I realize there's a William and Sly
on Steam, now, too. I meant the old cartoon one, not the cool 3D one!
There are a good amount of furry games on Steam that are JUST "I am a
furry and I wanted to make a toy where you play as my fursona" and I really dig
it. There's one.. Star-something. Coyote and a wee crow.
...It wouldn't kill me to open Steam or Google while writing these, but
I like them as a stream of consciousness. Sadly, I did not prepare for this one
because I have been playing video games with a friend who I have been neglecting
lately. Bedtime!
Swingin' in the livin' room, swingin' in the kitchen,
Most folks don't 'cause they're too busy gryphon.
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2024-Aug-27 (火)
Weirdly impatient and emotional today. I get like this when I play an
MMO or something similar. Wonder what's causing it this time? ...I hope it's not
the MUX.
Spoke to the person I mentioned yesterday, again. They're still great! I
was so smooth the first time and now I'm second-guessing myself a lot. Hopefully
it's that I had an energy drink at five in the afternoon and not that the moon's
only got a quarter left in its tank. Our adventure is planned for very little
moon left...
THERE IS A STEAM GAME WHERE YOU ARE A GRIFFIN AND YOU FLAP AROUND,
GRIFFING IT UP. It's short. It's so short there's an achievement for beating it
in under twenty minutes. I don't care. I spent hours running around in William
and Sly and I'll spend hours——in my extremely less abundant free time——flying
around as a griffin in this. It is my new toy, not a contestant in the judging
that video games always seem to lend themselves to. It's called …dang, what was
it called. J-name Vice and the.. Adventure... Jarin Vice. Jason Vice. The Vice
is Nice and Will Suffice..? I lost it.
Going to bed early, enjoy the least interesting week in the bliog's four
billion year history.
Burn the land and boil the sea,
I can fly about six leagues.
⍼
2024-Aug-26 (月)
Work was good, and I started early enough to get out in the early
afternoon, ooh aah.
The last two days are a little bit of a blur, since I stayed up so late.
Let's see... three days ago, I made the gryphoid (I intentionally go back and
forth between the English spelling and the Amer——er, the non-furry American
spelling. I would never admit this outside of the bliog, of course), wandered
around the MUX.
Two days ago, had a fun in-character scene with a smart and creative
writer. That was cool! I messaged them first thing yesterday morning and did not
get a reply. I think they have an idle timer, and get a lot of messages. Still,
I haven't messaged since. Farewell, ship in the night!
Yesterday, though, ooh. I met someone so outrageously supportive that I
thought they were making fun of how poetic I try to be in general speech. Every-
thing I want in a text game pal, including things I don't bother saying out loud
because there's just no way. If I hadn't said anything, I'd feel guilty that
this person had obviously changed themselves to make me like them——that level of
impressive. We had a brief, asterisk, scene and exchanged information. They're
far more organized than I am——makes me feel like an immature goblin, but I like
to think I'm an agent of chaos who can read the signs of opportuni.. no, well,
they're organized enough for the both of us. A follow-up (or just second?) scene
is planned. Scheduled! I never schedule anything. Makes me feel wanted≈~
Ahem, ignore my gushing. But yes, I messaged them this morning BY WAY OF
SENDING A MAIL in that game, but got a reply instantly. Couldn't risk slipping
up again!
I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad,
The scenes in which I'm flying are the best I've ever had.
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2024-Aug-25 (日)
Will likely rewrite this tomorrow, but today was great. More new people
met as a new me≈~
Ah, yes, my first full rewrite an entire day later. It's the evening! I
did have furry general whatsits I wished to talk about, but mm-mm-MMM I just had
my second gryphon advencha in a MUSH (TinyMUX is so much more comfortable to
play in than FuzzballMUCK, even if it will never be my true home) with the BEST
person in the universe.
...Now to drain all the good out of her and become a better person while
dragging her down to my level! ——Ahem, no, let's try to break that nasty habit.
I think this is a good friend for me to have. Someone who's not afraid to be
overly poetic while building her friends up. Sounds like the person I pretend to
be in my head. This is the perfect environment in which to fake this until I
make it, hoho. Wish me luck!
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2024-Aug-24 (土)
Same deal, but I had a great day playing roles like.. all day.
⍼
2024-Aug-23 (金)
Whoooops, it's after midnight. Made the new character in a Muckety-MU*
and a lot of other nice things happened, but I am extremely sleepy.
⍼
2024-Aug-22 (木)
Weirdly emotional all day. Wonder what that's all about? Will keep it
short, I suppose.
FurAffinity is back with its proper owners, huzzah!
Read more of my book, loving it so much.
Classic, elite-tier items have tanked in price on Neopets due to the
new owner not being shy about including them as "plot" prizes. I used my big
sale (55m) to get a Wand of the Dark Faerie, Leaded Elemental Vial (jade scorch-
stone clone), Thyora's Tear, Grapes of Wrath, and "Thunder Sticks", a 100% stun
that's more powerful than the Moehog Skull. And I still have 35m left over! It
would not have been enough money to actually replace what was stolen from me,
but I'm actually more powerful now~
⍼
2024-Aug-21 (水)
It was a good day. It was a GREAT day. I feel so much better after, as
the younger and wiser generation calls it, touching grass. Being out of the
house for MORE than an hour, that is. I even 'accidentally' '''forgot''' my work
computer at the office so I can go back tomorrow.
I'm seeing the world through the lens of my good outlook, which is
convenient because the FurAffinity hack is still going on. Luckily the hacker
has been kind of an idiot.
Wondering if I should recycle an old fursona name or make a new one for
my next public appearance... Bikimoto the Gryphon Samurai is, sadly, already
taken (by the real historical figure). Still, some good names are open——and
whatever, like I won't just also use a name that's already taken if I think of a
PERFECt one. That's show biz, bay-bee.
Keeping it short because I stayed up too late, a-whoops. I feel my spark
coming back, though!
⍼
2024-Aug-20 (火)
Ooooh yeeeeeah, 4/20
...wait
Poor Sciggles. The FurAffinity site and Twitter has been completely
messed up by a hacker who's just there calling everyone a pedo. I knew not to go
on the site until they got their DNS back under control (the 'A' record was
briefly altered this morning, before being reverted) but I slipped up and hit
[F, ENTER] this evening and my browser had the 'Uhh, this doesn't look kosher'
screen with an 'Are you sure?' button.
In lighter news, it turns out TODAY was Meerca Day. And UsukiCon,
apparently. ...No bids on my super cool item, so that's all the Neopets news
for today, hah.
Had my 'not getting fired' celebration. Felt amazing to get out of the
house. I reeeeeally need to stop spending money for a bit. ...Not because of
this, but I went a little overboard yesterday. I mean, one big purchase was
responsible. There were several others... I bought a fez, for context. That
level of mania.
Reading Neomails and Auction receipts (in Neomails), uh.. this trinket
is actually not going to cover my stolen Battledome items, even if it does sell
for the full 90m JellyNeo lists. It's likely going to sell for 51m, too. Still,
there are much more efficient ways to replace my power level. I replaced my
expensive half-healer with an item from the advent calendar eight months ago,
and it blocks full air! Actual upgrade that saves millions——only set me back 60k
I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which I'm Angzarr are the best I've ever had.
⍼
2024-Aug-19 (月)
FULL MOON
Full moon is right. I stayed up in bed last night, turned off my podcast
and just let my imagination run wild for at least an hour. Figured that was just
me being me, but everyone at work had insomnia as well——less pleasantly, heh.
I've been reading Bonnie Quinn's book, Griffin's Fall. The first thing I
ever read from her was also about a girl who could turn into a griffin, hah! I'm
completely absorbed by it. I think that the next time I dare show myself in the
public Internet again, it will be as a griffin! ...Or, at least an Eyrie®.
Speaking of, I found my first Neopet. I don't know when exactly I began
playing with quite as much accuracy, but she was born on the 24th of April, 2000
some time between 10:15am and 10:16am, NST. Yes, I kept clicking until the hour
counter went up because I am a humongous nerd.
I bought the starter decks and a booster of the new Battledome game. It
definitely isn't going to be as easy to find games of it as the TCG from 2004 or
so——and that's saying something——but it's cute. I never played Pokémon, but it
looks suspiciously similar to what I remember that game's layout being, way back
when it was first starting. I couldn't stop laughing at the instructional video
that Upper Deck——already almost a funny name——put out, though I'm not sure why.
It's in Tabletop Simulator, so maybe I CAN play it (and just have the physical
cards to cherish~). Someone uploaded a nice table and board, and the two starter
decks——though, they neglected the cards from the boosters, so it's only good for
scouting ahead, in its current state.
I had a Neopets MUCK running on Fuzzball a while ago... I had so much
fun hardening the computer it was on, and preparing the software, and hooking
in my own goodies like a custom fail2ban jail for the telnet logs and little
goodies that would run in cron and affect the game world, instead of relying
solely on MUF. I got disheartened when it was time to make the actual gameworld,
though. It was just going to be a social MU*, so I don't know why I got so shy
all of a sudden. I just made the god room and a little landing zone and then
gave up. ...But MUSHes are so much better for roleplaying, and I'm so inspired
right now. I wonder if——
Ah, we'll figure that out soon enough. Right now, things are good. In
fact, not done talking about Neopets. I'd done it. I'd achieved every goal I'd
ever set. I even got my Prancing Pink Uni Toy™. Some time between quitting on
top and now, though, I'd been frozen. Turned out someone got in my account,
looted it, and self-nuked (I guess). The only Battledome items my main pet had
left were two that couldn't be traded anyway... but everything I had that was
worth more than a million was gone, even weapons. It's kind of bizarre how
accurate that statement is, though. Lots of stuff worth hundreds of thousands,
couldn't've been that hard to flip. Maybe they just wanted to sell it on eBay.
Whatever, I still had my pet and could still win Battledome fights in one hit,
so I was kind-of-sort-of back... but I got a 25th anniversary bag, and opened it
to reveal the most expensive item possible, in it, according to JellyNeo. It's
worth more than I've ever had at once——and honestly, probably more than enough
to cover everything I lost, even my toy (that, admittedly, is harder to find for
sale than it is to afford). Maybe things are looking up, for that game...!
I reintroduced myself to one (1) person yesterday. The one who I knew
would have taken my disappearance the hardest. My chest was pounding. I said my
piece, asked for forgiveness, said I'd be back for real discourse later in the
week when I could take it, and left before he could reply. He was typing. Why am
I such a shitbag, sometimes..?
Girl let's go back to my place,
nothin' fancy just a HUGE Neohome in space.
⍼
2024-Aug-18 (日)
Oh hey, it's Meerca Day. Calendar works! Though maybe that one's not
important enough to me to merit a bunch of stars, hah.
Well, I announced my return. With a lot of apologies. My heart was
pounding in my chest and I already got some responses that I did not read before
I could close out. Why am I like this? I can't possibly need any more time...
it's been months!
Remember MUCKs? Specifically the furry ones that use Fuzzball. I had the
thought the other day that like... the guy who wrote that is the person who
came up with the word 'yiff'. I knew that, at some level, because I knew those
two facts in isolation, but never put the connection together. The bat character
he uses is from a novel that I believe he just has hosted on his personal site
as a .txt file. I really need to read that. I have this idea in my head that the
first transformation obsession I had was a griffin (Eyrie™ that is, from
Neopets) but before that, the fursona living in my head was a bat. I bet that
novel would press every good button in my brain. It won't be there forever...
I hope I don't put it off for too long.
These upload automatically when I turn my computer on, so this one might
update later, ooh aah. It is early in the day, still.
⍼
2024-Aug-17 (土)
Stunned by limitless options, I did very little on a project that would
likely make it harder for me to be coy about at least one of the characters I
pretend to be——but I did plan.
I've stumbled across a very early fursona of mine. Not late 90's early,
but late 2001/early 2002 early. I normally keep the same characters for so long.
It feels wrong to be bouncing around so many after my last longterm one, who is
nearly thirteen... but I think it'd be fun to go back. Species, at least. I do
remember the name, I guess.
Very late again, the things I wanted to say have been supressed by my
desire to sleep. Did not return to my friends I abandoned with this latest drop
from the public. That's stressing me out a lot. There's one who would not take
my return well, and it's making me procractinate a lot... the guilt from how
that same friend likely took me leaving isn't helping. Staying up three hours
past my bedtime makes these kinds of thoughts. Can you believe I used to have
insomnia? I don't know how I broke free from that.
Jeremiah was:
• a bullfrog
• a good friend of mine
additional notes,
🚫 understood a single word he said
✅ helped him drink his wine
⍼
2024-Aug-16 (金)
Whoops, stayed up way too late to be writing this. Did talk to a grey-
muzzle that I've always respected from afar and only looked like a doofus a
little bit B)
⍼
2024-Aug-15 (木)
Holy dooley, what a good day. The big major thing that caused my last
social internet disappearance has finally been cleared up. ...Now the only thing
keeping me away is the shame of being gone for so long. I know how painful——
well! We'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Tomorrow, or Saturday.
I don't know how I became the bondage——er, for background, yes, mutual
interests make for a lot of cliques in furry whatsits, but outside of "these are
the people I know for x furry thing" you kind of get a mixed bag in every friend
group——person for my furry circle, and the transformation/vore liaison has never
played Neopets. ...I guess I do like transformation a lot, I just hold that card
close to my chest. OKAY, NEVERMIND.
There is much transformation to be had in Neopia, though. Like, I knew
that, and I remember that, but I'm just surprised there isn't more of that
happening in Neopets fanart. I guess there's Metro... something. MetroHunter?
MetroidHunter? Him and Seraphon do so much heavy lifting on that front~
Hhhhhhhh I can't help it. Converting the entire Neopets calendar to the
BSDmainUtils calendar format... done! (It took a smidgen longer than that, on
my end.) Just to give me things to think about~
I wasn't home most of the day (a rarity!) but I did not take notes on
what I thought about and wanted to write, so that's all gone. Not gone gone,
of course. It'll resurface when I need it next.
And I ran,
I ran to outer space
(A Flock of Sergals, 1982)
⍼
2024-Aug-14 (水)
I did exactly nothing today. I did at least go back and read that
Neopets story mentioned yesterday. Part two, in Issue twenty-five. Only
chapter I read, but it was the only chapter I need.
GoFundMe is a little weird. I was hit with a Captcha ("click the images
with bridges!") only after clicking PAY with every other form done. It never
asked what name I wanted to pay as (yikes——this was for a furry thing!) and it
sent me an e-mail with a link to leave a comment on the thing I just donated to,
then that link took me to a page that asks for a username and password.
I do not have a username and a password.
The fundraiser itself raised a few eyebrows, but other blogs have
mentioned that and I'm not THAT much of a dramachondriac. I'm glad it hit its
goal so quickly. I actually caught the image from Fender on the front page!
Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day, but I'm prepared, I think.
This page is starting to get long. I think tomorrow is the day I convert
over to using the database... or at least make pagination for what IS here.
Seven days and I haven't missed one, yet! ——Oops, I didn't log into
Tapestries today. Don't want to lose that streak. Been going on since March!
Come on, baby,
fly by wire.
⍼
2024-Aug-13 (火)
Was another good day. It didn't start good, but that was just from five
hours of sleep and me being slightly less young than I used to be, dohoho.
It always takes me so long to get around to doing things I like, but I'm
excited that... man, I like supporting artists, but I don't know if I should say
her real name after the rest of this story. Eh, I'll skim——the last of Bonnie
Quinn's books that were easy to get. One's about turning into a griffin, which,
funny enough, the first thing I ever read from her was also about. This would've
been... 2002? 2003? A fan fiction in the Neopets monthly newspaper, ha. ...But,
for how much I'm scared to go back and read that (even though I am DEFINITELY
going to, soon) it was absolutely a formative experience, even if I may have
been a little too old for those. Late bloomster. I remember walking around the
house just letting my imagination leapfrog off of each chapter. Not that the
Neopets world was so cool——I just wanted to turn into a griffin! (Bonus points
that the ones on Neopets don't have scaled bird leggies, they just have house-
cat front legs. Doubly cute~)
A friend went to a convention a few years ago and sent me a picture of
a panel he did not attend, but it was the Neopets font with their trademark
stars all around it, of the title: How Neopets Taught Me To Lie and Made Me a
Furry.
...Hoo boy.
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
It's just a spring clean for the changeling.
⍼
2024-Aug-12 (月)
⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ Celebrate Zaraday! ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥
Shortly after writing yesterday's post, I went to my actual diary and
wrote about my day and was quickly reminded that it, ahem, was not nearly that
bad. Good news on that front!
I forgot how much I liked Spaceballs (1987). All of my friends call fake
currencies in video games "spacebux" because of me. Finally watched it again
because I've been making more and more references to it and Roommate had not
seen it. Nothing about it is not cliché, but it's so charming and Mel Brooks is
probably best-in-class for parodies that get cliché-passes. This is in the
context of watching it TODAY, of course. I was surprised at how often Roommate
laughed at it——tough egg to crack, generally!
I have been thinking about what I wrote, yesterday. I know there's no
way to interpret that story that does not make me sound like a dickhead, but I
do miss the thank-you notes, followed by just vanishing. I've made it up and out
——and I did not intend to pull the ladder up with me. Ah, but, those were times
where I surrounded myself with new artists. DeviantART, NewGrounds (I know, I
know..), Twitter (I KNOW, I KNOW) and the frontpage of FurAffinity as my home-
page helped a lot. Sparkledogs, especially, always were close to my heart <3
...Ahem, but! I'm so far out of the game, now. If I really do want to
help randos explore digital art, I should scout some out. It's much easier
nowadays, too! You can tell them to set up a wishlist on whatever site and get
it shipped without ever having to ask for someone's address——a dubious situation
at any point in the Internet's history. ..Hmm! It wouldn't kill me to make new
accounts in these places. Ah, but it has to be a situation I stumble into, or
it doesn't feel genuine. I'm not actually making plans, here, just opening
myself back up to the idea after showing my entire ass yesterday, here.
Still, the thought of existing on social media again, even just art
gallery sites, makes the idea of taking my eighty-character-width prose out of
HTTP and into Gopher, where it belongs. Would you believe I met a furry on SDF?
Likely the only other one there, haha. ——For context, because I realize how
insane that jump was, most of the remaining Gophersphere is hosted on SDF.org.
One other site contains a smaller majority, then there are just a handful of
Gopherian diaspora here and there. It really is a terribly convenient way of
surfing the web, if you've never tried it. Just typing "gopher" brings you to
SDF's nearly-complete directory of Gopher blogs, and then you can surf the
entire thing with one hand... and no, there isn't any Gopher erotica, before you
get too excited.
...Though, I wonder why there isn't.
I feel much better about this post, and not just because it wasn't me
whinging. I'm not writing this because I think I'm soooo interesting, or that I
have such rare insight onto the history I claim motivated this blog. Seriously,
who reads blogs any more? (Except Gopher, of course!) The real goal is to get
better at writing without an outline——or, at least, a minimal outline. I reread
a post today (something I'd doubt will happen too often again) and it's a lot of
nothing. Me spending paragraphs what used to take me a sentence to say. I used
to BELIEVE brevity was the strongest point of my writing (if you can believe it,
looking at my current offerings). Now I see myself getting nine-tenths of the
way to getting my idea across, getting mentally sidetracked, and then starting
over. Irritating, but it'll pass with practice. This is the trash can in which I
will become the writer I once was.
We were meant to live for so much vore
have we lost ourselves?
⍼
2024-Aug-11 (日)
A good day where I did nothing at all. I guess I did have unhelpful
thoughts. Wouldn't be much of a furry if I wasn't a dramachondriac. Ehh, might
as well get it out of the way.
Someone ("drawingkuma" on Bluesky——never seen this person before but
that's some good art!) shared a story of Dragoneer sending a drawing tablet when
they were just starting. A random act of kindness that was done with no expec-
tation of something in return. It was a really cool thing he did! ...Except, it
reminded me of the story of why I stopped doing that. I genuinely do not follow
up on the people who I've given (cheap! don't get me wrong) tablets to. I
remember being a teenager——and poor at that——who didn't have access to even a
$60 tablet. I'd just hork them at people on NewGrounds and FurAffinity. This
makes it sound like something I did all the time, it really wasn't that common.
Where I was trying to go with that, though, is these people don't know who I am,
usually, because it's always on some goofy burner name (like I suspect Angzarr
is about to become). I'm not going to keep up with them because I don't want to
log into an account every day, so whatever. It's done.
Usually.
There was one who seemed so flattered and like they couldn't take a gift
without reciprocation. This was an already-established artist, so I was
surprised that it wasn't just expected that someone else would help out. I guess
it was a source of income, maybe that's why they were so grateful. They asked
for a reference again, and I obliged with a few "close enough"s and a short
text description.
They then refused to draw my character, for a reason that sounds good on
paper, but with extra details that made it infuriating and insulting.
This was a solid five years ago, 2019. It only makes me look like ≈3%
less of an asshole with the extra details left in, so this is actually the first
time I've ever told the story. I don't know, I used to think I genuinely did
not expect anything in return, but I feel so guilty thinking about this one.
They did draw -something- but it wasn't my character. Not even getting a reply
would have made me feel better. I stopped uploading things to that character
profile and drifted farther and farther away from it because of that.
It was probably the last time I really had a public face that was me.
Ah, but, that's me focusing on the negative. I wouldn't be looking at
new furry art every day if the fandom was actually bad. Goodness knows everyone
does it——I should get to be a little bitch about nothing -sometimes-.
My current "me" fursona——which feels weird to talk about. That previous
one lasted over ten years and I still love it so much, but I have too much
baggage with it that I can't forgive myself for——is a demon, but I like to think
of it as my previous fursona's ghost. Or, you know, next existence.
I swear I had less dispiriting things I wanted to write about, today.
I should've taken notes, or maybe I should write these earlier in the day.
"Never trust your thoughts on life after 9PM" is a nice piece of wisdom that's
been floating around these last couple of years.
⍼
2024-Aug-10 (土)
Right now I can just write these and some time tomorrow, this will post
itself without me doing anything. The program is tiny and dead simple to clone
to any POSIX system. Then I had the thought that I should be using a database
and, yes, it can still be as easy to do, it (1) currently is not and (2) will
be harder to move this to another computer.
Ho hum.
Still, it was fun that this was just shell scripts on Apache. Makes me
feel like an old hacker just using these powers for cantrips~
I guess it wasn't sustainable. Databases are so clean...
I have a physical diary that I write in every night. I do that after
this one (and have for considerably longer). With what a large part of my day
is spent hoping people will band together to keep FurAffinity online so the
history and ghosts are not lost, I had a moment after I glanced over at my
closed laptop. The two latest stickers I've put on it are from Dingbat, who I
think is distancing herself from the fandom. Funny, I guess you wouldn't know
she existed just going off of FurAffinity. I don't even know where you'd look
for earlier things, but I guess that was the point. The internet diaspora coming
together. I forgot where I was going with that.
I was there for that one, but there are ones I wasn't there to see. I
have fond memories of, perhaps the late 2000's or mid 2010's (do you really use
an apostrophe for that?) an artist whose fursona was a shark. Very talented! Not
to mention a sexy fursona. I just remember they had a lot of shark artist
friends, and would constantly be raising awareness for real life shark issues
and bringing attention to marine biologist fundraisers and general animal
charities... that's not much to go off of. Wish I could remember who that was.
Their account was deleted eons ago, I feel before IMVU bought the site.
A CITRA NAMED KANOR.
Just wanted to get that memory written down before it got lost forever,
too. It might not even be real.
I think I blew it with an off-and-on part of my permanent circle. Oh
well, it won't happen again. Nothing will. See you never.
As if cued in, someone I was close to but seldom see messaged me shortly
after. What a strange efficiency the universe uses to balance these things out.
I should go back and warn myself that I'm going to write a whole essay
in this text file tonight but not actually say anything. Maybe tomorrow will be
more satisfying.
⍼
2024-Aug-09
"So long as FA exists, a bit of them will, too."
That's what I was worried about, but couldn't find a satisfying way to
say. Turns out Dragoneer already said it. But I've been talking about him for
three days, now. I'll can it. The next part of that quote is just as important,
I feel, to me.
"They left their mark on the fandom, no matter how small."
Maybe a little closer to my heart, specifically. Right now, I worry
about the bits of them that are in danger of ceasing to exist.
But, we move on. It is unbecoming of a digital ghost to talk about a
Digital Monster for so long--though I feel like less of a ghost, lately. I was
on FurryMUCK and the West Corner of the Park was bearable for a solid thirty
minutes. To be clear, there's nothing wrong with it. Eccentric and silly, yes,
I'd have a tough time actually defending the chat under any scrutiny, but it's
the sort of thing I love seeing. What I mean is myself--ten WHOLE people there.
I'm surprised I could stay as long as I did. Perhaps I've finally become normal!
No. Back to Tapestries, I went out to Fox Plaza. A .:HUNDRED:. people.
I exited, stood there long enough for three people to look at me, and left.
Just passing through, folks! Ah, but one person was interested. Messaged me
afterwards. That's much more bearable. This was in late March, but we've spoken
every day, since then, even if sometimes it's just been a greeting. I love all
of the people I've met and left, but it just doesn't feel right when I'm not
friends with exactly one person, outside of my permanent circle.
Personal weirdness aside, though. There is a very important audience of
zero expecting a new bliog post. I forgot to mention that yesterday, my oldest
surviving Second Life character turned fifteen. Crazy to think... this was my
SERIOUS character. The one I'd be a furry on and roleplay on. In theory, at
least. I'm much less of a snob now——seriously, I want to play with anyone!——but
at the time, Second Life was all about the visuals (hard to believe now,
especially when you consider everyone had prim avatars and sculptured shapes
were just catching on. Mesh wasn't out for years, yet) and I was used to prose
in my poses, coming from MU*s. I ended up discovering RLV and just playing in
bondage trap sims by myself, meeting the occasional fellow lonely fur. I wonder
if anyone would care about the history I vaguely remember from that... there's a
lot that's probably quite important that I just won't remember. Aside from Fur-
Nation (not hyphenated), I never went to any big-outside-of-Second-Life furry
sims ("worlds"). I just know the fringe things. The small side sims that had
a small but dedicated community, or the——well, I guess Toy's. That's not exactly
a failed side project. It's still there, in fact. The last time I went in, Toy
herself was sitting right next to the loading zone. I got nervous and didn't
say anything, though. This is me we're talking about.
It's Friday! This week's lie: the reason the world stopped smelling like
cigarettes is because a beloved politician was starting to smoke and he dropped
his match on his favorite toe, crushing it into dust. Public support lead to
increasing taxes on cigarettes so much they are prohibitively expensive to this
day (and, fifty years later, they've almost covered the medical bill for that
toe.)
⍼
2024-Aug-08
It occurs to me, after writing yesterday's entry, that one of the last
things Dragoneer posted to his Bluesky (or is it Blusky?) account was advice
on letting things go. Whoops. I need to invest in learning that one. I don't
think I'm ready yet, but it'd help me a lot.
Today was good. I thought about my not-alive-any-longer friends quite
a bit, but only good things. I took a lot of screenshots of FurAffinity messages
that I didn't want to lose... the site seems to be trucking along like it'll
be fine. I hope that's the case. Heh, but imagine all these YCHes where all the
artist has to do is stall until the site goes down forever, if that's about to
happen. So many people will have so much of their slate wiped clean... and I
don't mean petty Internet fraud (though that's likely the worst of it). I mean,
the people who haven't been a furry in thirteen years, but have such a wonderful
gallery they left behind. That's going to be gone. AHEM, I'm doing it again.
The friend who told me Neer was sick ("and they don't know what's going
to happen to FurAffinity if he passes") is actually at a furry convention right
now. She was already there, but life really does go on, doesn't it? I've been
holing myself away for years... I wish I was more of a "practicing furry", to
use a stupid term for it. I can be. I FINALLY can be. I got out, got away.
There's nothing to hide from, any more. I still hide, of course. It's all I know
after a lifetime of it. Maybe I can make friends who think that's my thing.
"That one's quirky. Life of the party for three hours, then vanishes for weeks."
I'm sure there's some awful explanation for that exact behavior that I
am mercifully too ignorant to know.
I want to write about the silly mundane furry history that nobody else
would think to record. I suppose I will, in time. For now, I will just write.
⍼
2024-Aug-07
We lost Dragoneer, today. I'm still not over Snout (SPRMuck). I'm still
not over a lot of deaths. Neer has me worried about the others, though.
Remember the furry internet before FurAffinity? You still see it, in some
places. Websites that you need to zoom in on, with broken links to their loves
and friends, broken images. Sites people forgot to remove, but they're all
precious. Did you know Avians.net is still up? Three of the MUCKs, too. I used
to love running around Tapestries, trying to find the oldest accounts I could.
Exploring SPR or FMuck is much more rewarding, I'll grant you, but something
about seeing people who haven't logged in since 1993... A favorite of mine is
Mirage, from Taps. Guy has a half-finished ryokan. It's beautifully written.
He's standing in it, too. Last logged in: 1994. I'd give anything to talk to
him... did he get to Japan? Is he still interested in it? In furries? If only
we had ever met. I wonder if he's still alive.
...Ah, but these ghosts. I have ghosts of people I DID meet. Constantly
removing "shouts" on my FurAffinity userpage, so the messages from my dead
friends will still be visible. Nobody cares when you ask them not to leave
shouts as thanks for +watching or +faving their accounts. I don't put a note up
with the real reason I make that request because I don't want trolls leaving
fifty comments in a day, making me lose those last messages forever. I have so
many ghosts that I love that only exist on FurAffinity. Obviously a lot of
people close to Neer love that site, too, or at least will try to carry it in
memory of him.
I don't know if they can.
I don't want to lose my ghosts.
FurAffinity is a labor of love, sure, but it's also a significant drain
and I don't think anyone's going to be able to replace Neer if only because he
would, and did, give anything to keep it running. He couldn't let go, just like
I can't let go of the furries I've lost along the way.
Over twenty years in this fandom and every time I leave my shadows,
every time I make an identity, I forge bonds and loves that last longer than
these identities do. Some day, though, I'll be gone, too, and nobody will even
know. Sure, my latest identity... but what about the me from the 90's? Maybe
nobody remembers that, I'll grant you, but there are forum posts from 2001,
a Neopets account, a DeviantArt account from 2002... People in my circle always
know where to find me next, but what about the love that drifted out at the
wrong time? They won't be able to find me twenty years later.
I don't know if this Mirage from 1994 is still alive, and my bat
character's friends have no idea I'm still alive. My unicorn's friends. My
dragon's friends. My zombie's friends. One of my bird's friends knows who I am.
That was such a huge relief, to finally let someone in that close. Over the
years, more and more reliefs like that lead me to having a permanent orbit
around me. But, as nice as the connections are, sometimes I miss being nobody.
An internet changeling.
I don't know if I'm making this a daily diary, simply saying what I did,
or if I'm going to write down the history that I worry we'll lose--the trite,
inconsequential findings that are precious to me, or if this is going to be
another me.